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[ This has been an odd week, to say the least. Matthew's not thinking about why it was weird, why he was seven, that Ronan might have died in some other universe or timeline or whatever--he's definitely not thinking about that.
(But he can't forget it either.)
What he is doing is getting back in the swing of being his actual self again, and checking to make sure everyone else is back to normal, too. There's plenty of warning that he's on his way to Noah's room now, his feet thumping on the stairs. ]
Hey, Noah, you down here?
(But he can't forget it either.)
What he is doing is getting back in the swing of being his actual self again, and checking to make sure everyone else is back to normal, too. There's plenty of warning that he's on his way to Noah's room now, his feet thumping on the stairs. ]
Hey, Noah, you down here?
[There's no reply, just a stormy heaviness to the air. Noah's door is open just a hair's breadth, and the light from inside looks strange, like it's coming from the wrong angle.
Then, almost too late - a muffled shudder of a breath.]
I'm here.
[It isn't the voice of the lively, loyal friend Matthew's come to know. It's too small, and strained through tears.]
Then, almost too late - a muffled shudder of a breath.]
I'm here.
[It isn't the voice of the lively, loyal friend Matthew's come to know. It's too small, and strained through tears.]
[ Noah's back, is Matthew's first thought, and that's good. (What even was up with him these last few days? Even knowing that magic was involved doesn't lend Matthew the faintest clue why Noah was the way he was.)
Normally he'd just bound right inside but today he stops at the door, uncertain. Something is--
Wrong? Something is wrong.
He hesitates, then taps the partially open door with the back of his hand. ]
Can I come in?
Normally he'd just bound right inside but today he stops at the door, uncertain. Something is--
Wrong? Something is wrong.
He hesitates, then taps the partially open door with the back of his hand. ]
Can I come in?
[There's the slightest shuffle of movement, and then-]
Yeah.
[The bedside table has been overturned, and that seems to be the source of the wrongness. A lamp rolls sideways on the floor, its shade cracked, streaming light into the wrong corners. The shades on the small windows are askew, as if they've been pulled, and the floor is strewn with pillows, a crumpled car magazine, a lighter.
A small tornado has come through, and it was called anger.
Noah is sitting on the floor beneath the window. His knees pulled up tight to his chest, and his hands are covering his face. He doesn't look up at Matthew.]
Yeah.
[The bedside table has been overturned, and that seems to be the source of the wrongness. A lamp rolls sideways on the floor, its shade cracked, streaming light into the wrong corners. The shades on the small windows are askew, as if they've been pulled, and the floor is strewn with pillows, a crumpled car magazine, a lighter.
A small tornado has come through, and it was called anger.
Noah is sitting on the floor beneath the window. His knees pulled up tight to his chest, and his hands are covering his face. He doesn't look up at Matthew.]
[ Matthew steps inside and--
Oh--
Oh, he's seen this before. This is Ronan, after their father died, after the reading of the will ripped them from their family home, after their mother stopped talking.
This is anger and grieving all mixed up.
Matthew doesn't know what to make of it, except he doesn't want to leave his friend alone. (He and Noah are friends, right? Even if Matthew doesn't really know him.) He picks his way across the floor and sits down in front of Noah, his fingers brushing against the lighter, which he looks at for a moment before turning back to the other boy, even though Noah won't look at him. ]
What happened? Are you okay?
[ He doesn't know anything, but he's so earnest. ]
Oh--
Oh, he's seen this before. This is Ronan, after their father died, after the reading of the will ripped them from their family home, after their mother stopped talking.
This is anger and grieving all mixed up.
Matthew doesn't know what to make of it, except he doesn't want to leave his friend alone. (He and Noah are friends, right? Even if Matthew doesn't really know him.) He picks his way across the floor and sits down in front of Noah, his fingers brushing against the lighter, which he looks at for a moment before turning back to the other boy, even though Noah won't look at him. ]
What happened? Are you okay?
[ He doesn't know anything, but he's so earnest. ]
[Noah doesn't look out from behind his hands, but he tilts a bit to the side, almost facing Matthew.]
... I'm sorry.
[It's not an answer, but the grief in his voice almost is.]
I was a jerk.
[He feels even worse for the sadness and disappointment tied in with that apology. He was a jerk, and all of his friends hated him, but he was alive - he was all he ever wanted to be, and he can't stop trying to separate the two truths.]
... I'm sorry.
[It's not an answer, but the grief in his voice almost is.]
I was a jerk.
[He feels even worse for the sadness and disappointment tied in with that apology. He was a jerk, and all of his friends hated him, but he was alive - he was all he ever wanted to be, and he can't stop trying to separate the two truths.]
Oh.
[ The thought that he must be missing something nudges against Matthew's mind, but he can't venture a guess as to what it might be. He scoots a little bit closer. ]
It's fine. [ He says it again, in case Noah doesn't believe him. He sounds so sad. ] It's fine. A lot of us were different. It was some-- mixed up magic thing.
[ And Noah's really not like the person they were living with for the past week... ]
[ The thought that he must be missing something nudges against Matthew's mind, but he can't venture a guess as to what it might be. He scoots a little bit closer. ]
It's fine. [ He says it again, in case Noah doesn't believe him. He sounds so sad. ] It's fine. A lot of us were different. It was some-- mixed up magic thing.
[ And Noah's really not like the person they were living with for the past week... ]
[One hand creeps down, revealing a tired, bloodshot eye. The dark circles, the shadow on his cheek - they look deeper than usual, like the darkness in the room has seeped into them. Something about Noah looks more otherworldly than Matthew is used to.]
It showed us lives that didn't happen. [Which should be a good thing, but his voice sounds so miserable.] It didn't happen. I remember all of it, but it didn't-
[His throat contracts, and he pulls his knees closer.]
It showed us lives that didn't happen. [Which should be a good thing, but his voice sounds so miserable.] It didn't happen. I remember all of it, but it didn't-
[His throat contracts, and he pulls his knees closer.]
[ It's unsettling, seeing Noah's face. Matthew isn't afraid, exactly (what use does a dream have for a nightmare?), but he considers scooting back again. He really doesn't know Noah very well.
Then he explains, or almost explains, but Matthew isn't smart, he's not good at figuring these things out, and what really did happen is too horrible for him to imagine on his own. ]
Noah?
[ He draws his knees up to his own chin, imitating the other boy's posture. ]
What didn't happen? Why were you-- [ It sinks in a little, right as he asks the question. ] --older?
[ The real Noah... Did he not get older? ]
Then he explains, or almost explains, but Matthew isn't smart, he's not good at figuring these things out, and what really did happen is too horrible for him to imagine on his own. ]
Noah?
[ He draws his knees up to his own chin, imitating the other boy's posture. ]
What didn't happen? Why were you-- [ It sinks in a little, right as he asks the question. ] --older?
[ The real Noah... Did he not get older? ]
[A tiny sob escapes from Noah's throat, but his eyes have used up all of their tears. Matthew knows, it's in his big, kind eyes, but it's too terrible a conclusion. He isn't going to say it.]
Matthew.
[Noah says his name like an apology. You're about to be horrified. You're about to know just how terrible our world is.]
I'm dead.
Matthew.
[Noah says his name like an apology. You're about to be horrified. You're about to know just how terrible our world is.]
I'm dead.
[ Matthew's life, of course, is not untouched by death. But this, this does not fit with any part of his understanding. ]
Oh God, [ he whispers after a moment, and it's more of a prayer than a curse. ]
Noah...
[ He moves his knees again so that he can lean forward, reaching out, but hesitation takes him at the last second. Maybe someone else would be better at this. Someone more--
No, it-- That doesn't make a difference. He places his hand lightly, barely on Noah's arm. ]
I don't know what to say.
[ Matthew, the real Matthew, hasn't cried since Niall Lynch was murdered and his family fell apart, and he doesn't cry now, but he sounds a little desperate, and still utterly, hopelessly sincere. ]
Oh God, [ he whispers after a moment, and it's more of a prayer than a curse. ]
Noah...
[ He moves his knees again so that he can lean forward, reaching out, but hesitation takes him at the last second. Maybe someone else would be better at this. Someone more--
No, it-- That doesn't make a difference. He places his hand lightly, barely on Noah's arm. ]
I don't know what to say.
[ Matthew, the real Matthew, hasn't cried since Niall Lynch was murdered and his family fell apart, and he doesn't cry now, but he sounds a little desperate, and still utterly, hopelessly sincere. ]
[Noah tips forward a little at the contact, his shoulders slowly starting to quiver with the building tears. He doesn't want to cry, not here in front of Matthew, but the weight of his sadness is too much right now. It's like he can feel all of it, at once - the life flowing through his veins in Boston, dripping down his chin in the woods in Henrietta. The dark maw of nothing picking away at him. A future that won't happen, and a future that will. And it's not fucking fair.
The room rattles, just a bit, at his weak spark of anger. It comes and goes like a wave, and he finally crumples back against the wall.]
My parents thought I ran away. [Matthew would have been nine, he realizes, and blessedly oblivious of any boy missing from Henrietta.] Gansey and Blue found me. They didn't even know-
[He wipes his nose, and looks miserably at the floor.]
The room rattles, just a bit, at his weak spark of anger. It comes and goes like a wave, and he finally crumples back against the wall.]
My parents thought I ran away. [Matthew would have been nine, he realizes, and blessedly oblivious of any boy missing from Henrietta.] Gansey and Blue found me. They didn't even know-
[He wipes his nose, and looks miserably at the floor.]
[ Matthew looks around with wide eyes when the room rattles, but it stops quickly, and he turns his attention back to Noah.
This is too much for him. It's too much for his simple, dreamed up mind to understand, and the thing is, he actually realizes that. Maybe for the first time. But he doesn't keep still. This time he scoots right over to Noah and tucks himself beside the other boy, just sitting there for a moment before he tips his curly head--
And rests his cheek on Noah's hair. Maybe it's weird to do this with a friend, but this is how Matthew and Declan sat together in church, the first time they went without their mother. ]
But-- You're alive here, right?
[ He has to be. Matthew remembers the wild grin on Noah's face, the night he dragged himself out of that lake, his clothes sticking to him, chest heaving with laughter. He was soaking wet and thrilled and definitely alive. ]
This is too much for him. It's too much for his simple, dreamed up mind to understand, and the thing is, he actually realizes that. Maybe for the first time. But he doesn't keep still. This time he scoots right over to Noah and tucks himself beside the other boy, just sitting there for a moment before he tips his curly head--
And rests his cheek on Noah's hair. Maybe it's weird to do this with a friend, but this is how Matthew and Declan sat together in church, the first time they went without their mother. ]
But-- You're alive here, right?
[ He has to be. Matthew remembers the wild grin on Noah's face, the night he dragged himself out of that lake, his clothes sticking to him, chest heaving with laughter. He was soaking wet and thrilled and definitely alive. ]
[It takes a moment, but Noah finally relaxes his shoulder and lets his head rest in the crook of Matthew's neck. The room is dim and quiet, and he can hear the others moving about upstairs, and for a few seconds it almost feels peaceful. He can almost forget that they're talking about this horrible truth.]
Yeah. [A half-truth. He elaborates.] My body is.
[His mind, his self, is more complicated. Death isn't something that happens just once - it keeps happening, over and over, until there's less and less of you left. Being handed a new body doesn't reverse that damage. There are days Noah wakes up and looks across the room, expecting to see Whelk getting ready for class. There are days he wakes up and feels half-lost to eternity.]
... But it hurts.
Yeah. [A half-truth. He elaborates.] My body is.
[His mind, his self, is more complicated. Death isn't something that happens just once - it keeps happening, over and over, until there's less and less of you left. Being handed a new body doesn't reverse that damage. There are days Noah wakes up and looks across the room, expecting to see Whelk getting ready for class. There are days he wakes up and feels half-lost to eternity.]
... But it hurts.
[ Matthew settles against him unself-consciously. Noah is small, especially next to the burly younger Lynch, and his hair is soft under Matthew's cheek; he feels like a real, living person. ]
All the time?
[ Matthew's voice is soft, too. For all the things that Matthew isn't--clever, brave, fierce-he's very simple, warm, sad, trying his best to be a good friend. Trying to understand what he can.
What even makes a person real, anyway? ]
All the time?
[ Matthew's voice is soft, too. For all the things that Matthew isn't--clever, brave, fierce-he's very simple, warm, sad, trying his best to be a good friend. Trying to understand what he can.
What even makes a person real, anyway? ]
[This is the closest Noah's been to someone since the day he kissed Blue, and he immediately feels the prickle of craving in his skin. He's a corpse, and Matthew is a cloud, and he wants to know what it's like to always have this warmth.]
Even when it feels good, it hurts.
[Because the good times, the times when he's laughing - it always winds up reminding him what he's lost, and what he's going to keep losing.]
... I won't be there when you go back, Matthew.
Even when it feels good, it hurts.
[Because the good times, the times when he's laughing - it always winds up reminding him what he's lost, and what he's going to keep losing.]
... I won't be there when you go back, Matthew.
[ The words take hold of something inside of his chest, wrenching at him. Noah won't-- But--
Matthew shuts his eyes, takes a shuddering breath, presses his cheek harder against Noah's head.
He realizes, right then, what a bucket list is. ]
I'm sorry. I'm--
[ Oh god. He doesn't know anything, he can't do anything. ]
Matthew shuts his eyes, takes a shuddering breath, presses his cheek harder against Noah's head.
He realizes, right then, what a bucket list is. ]
I'm sorry. I'm--
[ Oh god. He doesn't know anything, he can't do anything. ]
[Noah pulls his arms out from behind his knees, and snakes them around Matthew. One hand comes up to rest gently on his back, soft and steady.]
It's alright, it's okay.
[He sounds like a brother, a protector. The shaking in his voice is barely audible. Even Noah isn't sure if it's meant to be a comfort for Matthew, or for himself.]
I'm sorry. I didn't want to keep secrets.
It's alright, it's okay.
[He sounds like a brother, a protector. The shaking in his voice is barely audible. Even Noah isn't sure if it's meant to be a comfort for Matthew, or for himself.]
I'm sorry. I didn't want to keep secrets.
[ Matthew nods a little, accidentally mussing Noah's hair in the process. Secrets are something he understands, better than the rest of this. He makes a little sniffling sound. Another person might say "I'm glad you told me", but Matthew doesn't because he's not glad about any part of this. ]
Does everybody else know?
Does everybody else know?
[Noah starts to nod, but he feels paralyzed. He wishes he could make Matthew smile, instead of just being responsible for this deep, overwhelming sadness.]
Yeah.
[Another half-truth. They all know he's dead, but only Gansey knows he's almost gone.]
But it took them awhile.
Yeah.
[Another half-truth. They all know he's dead, but only Gansey knows he's almost gone.]
But it took them awhile.
[ Matthew goes quiet for another moment. ]
I didn't know.
[ It's an unecessarily obvious thing to say, but no one's ever accused him of being insightful. He's not upset that it was kept from him; he's never been upset about that kind of thing, even when the secret was about himself. ]
I'm one of Ronan's dreams.
[ It doesn't matter, maybe, or maybe Noah already knew, but Matthew just wants--
He isn't really sure, but Noah's just told him a huge secret so Matthew offers his own in reciprocation. Friends--good friends, close friends, the kinds of friends that Ronan has--tell each other things, he thinks, and this is all he can-- ]
I didn't know.
[ It's an unecessarily obvious thing to say, but no one's ever accused him of being insightful. He's not upset that it was kept from him; he's never been upset about that kind of thing, even when the secret was about himself. ]
I'm one of Ronan's dreams.
[ It doesn't matter, maybe, or maybe Noah already knew, but Matthew just wants--
He isn't really sure, but Noah's just told him a huge secret so Matthew offers his own in reciprocation. Friends--good friends, close friends, the kinds of friends that Ronan has--tell each other things, he thinks, and this is all he can-- ]
[Noah isn't sure if he knew, but he knows that he felt it. Ronan and Adam and even Gansey, in all his bright glory, feel like skin and dirt and linen when they brush against Noah's mind. They feel like hot afternoons, and crooked glasses, and spilled beer.
Matthew feels like a fond memory on a bright morning. Soaring music in your headphones, and a picture you can't quite hold onto.]
Yeah.
[Noah wants to hold onto him. He wants to be held onto. He's afraid they'll both disappear.]
But we're both real.
Matthew feels like a fond memory on a bright morning. Soaring music in your headphones, and a picture you can't quite hold onto.]
Yeah.
[Noah wants to hold onto him. He wants to be held onto. He's afraid they'll both disappear.]
But we're both real.
[ Matthew draws in a soft breath and just holds it in his chest, right next to the feelings that those words stir within him.
We're both real.
God, he wants to be. ]
Yeah, [ he agrees, finally exhaling again, but he really doesn't know.
And he doesn't know what else to say, so he quietly loops his arm around Noah's shoulders, hugging him in the sloppily affectionate Matthew Lynch way. He's just real enough for that. ]
We're both real.
God, he wants to be. ]
Yeah, [ he agrees, finally exhaling again, but he really doesn't know.
And he doesn't know what else to say, so he quietly loops his arm around Noah's shoulders, hugging him in the sloppily affectionate Matthew Lynch way. He's just real enough for that. ]
[Noah tightens his arms around Matthew, pressing his nose against the boy's jaw. Sometimes, his death hurts the worst when he sees how it affects other people, and he wishes against all hope that he could find the right words to make it all better. But all he can do right now is sooth slow circles against Matthew Lynch's back, and pretend he isn't afraid of vanishing.]
[ Matthew is not the most observant of people but he still manages to figure out that Something Is Wrong when he and Blue get back from shopping in De Chima. Ronan's gone, Noah's gone, Gansey's gone, and-- Matthew just doesn't like the way it feels.
He waits a while, does his chores, plays with Max, checks his phone, checks the house for his brother or his friend in case he missed them somehow. And then he doesn't feel like he can wait anymore. ]
hey noah
when are you coming home?
[ He doesn't even know where Noah is. Work, maybe? Out with friends? ]
He waits a while, does his chores, plays with Max, checks his phone, checks the house for his brother or his friend in case he missed them somehow. And then he doesn't feel like he can wait anymore. ]
hey noah
when are you coming home?
[ He doesn't even know where Noah is. Work, maybe? Out with friends? ]
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