[ Matthew nods; he thinks he understands. His own power can be a bit rude, invasive, and it's uncomfortable. If he could just not use it, he would. That said, he doesn't worry about Noah reading his mind, not really. ]
[ Matthew lowers his eyes and goes quiet for a moment. Ronan talks, sometimes, but sometimes he disappears, like he did after their dad died. The thing is, Matthew's not sure he wants to lose Ronan again like that again. ]
I don't know.
[ He almost wants to ask Noah about it anyway, if he's picked up anything from Ronan by accident. But he knows he shouldn't; it's not fair to either of them. ]
[Noah reaches down for Matthew's hand, and laces their fingers together. He doesn't want to lose Ronan either, not like he thought he had in June - not like he's going to one day, even after all of this.]
Do you think... [A little swallow, half-anxious and half-curious.] Could he have seen us, the other night?
Edited 2016-08-29 00:40 (UTC)
He's gonna be a baby for the rest of this conversation, THIS IS SO AWKWARD I'M SORRY
[ Matthew isn't at all concerned for the same reasons as Noah, and in fact he gives the softest little laugh at Noah's wording, and-- the memory in general. ]
He'd probably say it was gross.
[ As though Ronan and Adam have never kissed like that.
But yes. That really, genuinely is all that Matthew thinks Ronan would have to say on the subject. His cluelessness hangs so thickly in the air around them it's practically tangible. ]
[Noah knows that isn't the reason. There's something he isn't sure he should say, and he runs his thumb across Matthew's, trying to work everything out in his head. He has too many thoughts right now, and too much to focus on. He wants to just go to sleep instead, right here next to Matthew.]
Oh, [ Matthew says, like he gets it, which he doesn't. He tries to figure out what Noah means, but, well. It's not like he and Ronan have ever talked about this before, and on his own Matthew can't think of any objections his brother might have about Noah in particular. He's Ronan's friend, after all; it's not like Matthew's kissing some stranger.
Hmm.
He doesn't let himself worry about it right now; instead he scoots in and softly presses his mouth to Noah's, just for a moment, just long enough to mean something. When he pulls back the smile on his face looks a bit foolish. ]
[Noah mourns the end of the kiss immediately, and his hand squeezes Matthew's on its own accord. He tries to imagine the worst case scenario - Ronan finding out, Ronan hating him, Ronan telling him not to kiss Matthew. He tries to decide which consequence is worst, and realizes that while he could live with either of them, it wouldn't be a happy life. Matthew is his friend, and he's fun to kiss, but there's something more when they're lying here in the soft sheets, noses close and toes touching.
Shit.]
I'm dead. I'm depressing. I drink. I smoke pot. [And that's not even taking into consideration his speeding tickets and in-school suspensions.] He probably hoped you'd meet some nice girl at church, or something.
Oh, [ he says again, only this time he actually understands, a little. ]
I mean-- [ He frowns. He doesn't know what to say right away but he really doesn't like hearing Noah say that stuff about himself that way, like it makes him bad somehow. ]
You're not depressing, [ he tells him, squeezing his hand back reassuringly. ] And Ronan drinks, too.
[ Of course Matthew's relationship with his brother is different from his relationship with Noah; the point is that being around people who do things he doesn't do isn't going to corrupt him or anything. He doesn't feel corrupted, at least. ]
And you're not dead here, [ he adds, earnest but also a bit careful in that way of someone who knows they're talking about something they can't fully understand. What he means is that Noah's never been anything less than alive and real, to Matthew. ]
[The honesty behind Matthew's words is suffocating. He truly believes so much good about Noah, in a way no one did when he was alive. He knows he's loved by his friends - by Blue, by Gansey, by Ronan - but to be accepted so bluntly, with all of his flaws pulled to the front... All Noah can think to do is learn forward and kiss Matthew again. It's soft, slow, sweet, lips parted just enough to be warm and wet in the right way. He tugs on Matthew's hand, just bringing it closer, against the front of his shirt.
He can't lose Ronan, but he can't lose this either. He won't let it go.
With a gentle suck of breath, he pulls away, forehead pressed into Matthew's curls.]
Can you- [Wait, no, he needs another breath.] Could you talk to him?
[He doesn't care if Ronan knows, not now. Fuck Ronan, to be honest. He just wants to keep doing this, without worrying so much.]
[ It's getting a lot more familiar, the feel of Noah's lips gently pressed to his own. And Matthew himself, he's not as clumsy as he was in the beginning, he knows better how to reciprocate, but the warmth that spreads through his chest when Noah kisses him is the same as the first time.
Well. Maybe not the exact same. Maybe, he thinks, it's a little more--
He doesn't have time to finish the thought before Noah pulls away, and then they're both catching their breath. ]
Yeah, [ he promises after a moment, gently squeezing Noah's hand. ] I'll talk to him.
[ Would Ronan really be upset, because of this? He hopes not. Of course he never wants Ronan to be upset, but--
He also doesn't want to have to stop. Even something as simple as the the brush of Noah's shirt against the back of Matthew's fingers feels significant. ]
[Noah traces his socked foot over Matthew's ankle. He doesn't know quite what the clench in his chest is, making his fingers itch to touch, to grip - it feels like something old, something disused, something he can't possibly be feeling towards Matthew Lynch. But there it is, kneading at his stomach like a stray cat.
I can't keep you, he wants to tell it. He wouldn't want that, this is just for fun. Then Matthew's hand squeezes his, and he feels blond curls against his forehead, and he has to look up at the ceiling to keep from imagining.]
If he didn't like it, would you still want to kiss me?
Yeah, I'd want to, [ Matthew answers right away, but with the gentlest stress on that one word, want. He doesn't know if he could. If Ronan really hated it, for some reason, if it really made him upset, if it was enough to cause a rift between them--
Matthew feels a flutter of anxiety in his gut, just at the thought. Ronan is his brother, and he's been his brother every day of Matthew's life. If anything even a little like what happened between Ronan and Declan were to ever happen between Ronan and Matthew--God, he can't even imagine it. He doesn't want to. ]
I don't know what I'd do though, [ he admits, because it doesn't occur to him to be anything less than honest, but his knee brushes Noah's leg and he sighs, troubled by his own answer. ]
[Noah ghosts his fingers over Matthew's knuckles, and nudges back with his leg; he aggressively ignores the gut instinct that wants more contact than that. Perhaps lying down to talk wasn't a good idea after all.]
[ Matthew is quiet for a moment, and then he murmurs, ] I know.
[ He doesn't really know, but he trusts Noah completely. He's never pressured Matthew before.
And anyway, this is just for fun, isn't it? It wouldn't hurt anything if they had to go back to the way things were before they talked about kissing on the couch, before they actually kissed in Matthew's Mini Cooper. They'd still be the same friends.
Matthew knows that's true, so he's not sure why he feels unhappy when he thinks about it. ]
I'll talk to Ronan. It'll be fine; it's not a big deal.
[ Just... ignore the disconnect between his words and the uncharacteristically serious furrow in his forehead. ]
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Did you talk to one of them?
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Ronan didn't want to talk. But I haven't seen them together for a couple days.
[ And Ronan slept--didn't sleep, rather--in the barn the whole night before. Matthew isn't going to tell that part. ]
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Adam seemed off too, when we were talking about his car. [A short pause.] I've been trying not to read minds as much.
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Yeah.
[ He plucks at a wrinkle in the sheets. ]
I just wish he'd talk to me, though.
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[Not that Noah's particularly happy about this truth. Sometimes he thinks Ronan got along with him better as a ghost than as a real person.]
look I have no icons please use your imagination
I don't know.
[ He almost wants to ask Noah about it anyway, if he's picked up anything from Ronan by accident. But he knows he shouldn't; it's not fair to either of them. ]
MATTHEW SUDDENLY TRANSFORMS INTO BABBY
Do you think... [A little swallow, half-anxious and half-curious.] Could he have seen us, the other night?
He's gonna be a baby for the rest of this conversation, THIS IS SO AWKWARD I'M SORRY
What do you mean?
[ Wait-- ]
On the porch?
[ He does not sound worried, just a bit confused. ]
it's okay he has cute chubby hands to hold
Yeah. I don't know. [He looks a little white in the face.] I'm not sure he'd like seeing me drunkenly try to stick my tongue in your mouth.
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He'd probably say it was gross.
[ As though Ronan and Adam have never kissed like that.
But yes. That really, genuinely is all that Matthew thinks Ronan would have to say on the subject. His cluelessness hangs so thickly in the air around them it's practically tangible. ]
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[Noah knows that isn't the reason. There's something he isn't sure he should say, and he runs his thumb across Matthew's, trying to work everything out in his head. He has too many thoughts right now, and too much to focus on. He wants to just go to sleep instead, right here next to Matthew.]
What if he was mad, though?
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Why would he be mad? [ Maybe-- ] 'Cause you were drunk?
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[Which is a little melodramatic, perhaps, but it comes out soft and gentle. It's impossible to be anything but while curled up so close to Matthew.]
I'm probably not the kind of person he'd want you kissing.
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Hmm.
He doesn't let himself worry about it right now; instead he scoots in and softly presses his mouth to Noah's, just for a moment, just long enough to mean something. When he pulls back the smile on his face looks a bit foolish. ]
I don't know, I don't see why that'd be.
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Shit.]
I'm dead. I'm depressing. I drink. I smoke pot. [And that's not even taking into consideration his speeding tickets and in-school suspensions.] He probably hoped you'd meet some nice girl at church, or something.
BABY MATTHEW STRIKES AGAIN
I mean-- [ He frowns. He doesn't know what to say right away but he really doesn't like hearing Noah say that stuff about himself that way, like it makes him bad somehow. ]
You're not depressing, [ he tells him, squeezing his hand back reassuringly. ] And Ronan drinks, too.
[ Of course Matthew's relationship with his brother is different from his relationship with Noah; the point is that being around people who do things he doesn't do isn't going to corrupt him or anything. He doesn't feel corrupted, at least. ]
And you're not dead here, [ he adds, earnest but also a bit careful in that way of someone who knows they're talking about something they can't fully understand. What he means is that Noah's never been anything less than alive and real, to Matthew. ]
HOW DARE HE
He can't lose Ronan, but he can't lose this either. He won't let it go.
With a gentle suck of breath, he pulls away, forehead pressed into Matthew's curls.]
Can you- [Wait, no, he needs another breath.] Could you talk to him?
[He doesn't care if Ronan knows, not now. Fuck Ronan, to be honest. He just wants to keep doing this, without worrying so much.]
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Well. Maybe not the exact same. Maybe, he thinks, it's a little more--
He doesn't have time to finish the thought before Noah pulls away, and then they're both catching their breath. ]
Yeah, [ he promises after a moment, gently squeezing Noah's hand. ] I'll talk to him.
[ Would Ronan really be upset, because of this? He hopes not. Of course he never wants Ronan to be upset, but--
He also doesn't want to have to stop. Even something as simple as the the brush of Noah's shirt against the back of Matthew's fingers feels significant. ]
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I can't keep you, he wants to tell it. He wouldn't want that, this is just for fun. Then Matthew's hand squeezes his, and he feels blond curls against his forehead, and he has to look up at the ceiling to keep from imagining.]
If he didn't like it, would you still want to kiss me?
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Matthew feels a flutter of anxiety in his gut, just at the thought. Ronan is his brother, and he's been his brother every day of Matthew's life. If anything even a little like what happened between Ronan and Declan were to ever happen between Ronan and Matthew--God, he can't even imagine it. He doesn't want to. ]
I don't know what I'd do though, [ he admits, because it doesn't occur to him to be anything less than honest, but his knee brushes Noah's leg and he sighs, troubled by his own answer. ]
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[Noah ghosts his fingers over Matthew's knuckles, and nudges back with his leg; he aggressively ignores the gut instinct that wants more contact than that. Perhaps lying down to talk wasn't a good idea after all.]
I won't put any pressure on you, I swear.
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[ He doesn't really know, but he trusts Noah completely. He's never pressured Matthew before.
And anyway, this is just for fun, isn't it? It wouldn't hurt anything if they had to go back to the way things were before they talked about kissing on the couch, before they actually kissed in Matthew's Mini Cooper. They'd still be the same friends.
Matthew knows that's true, so he's not sure why he feels unhappy when he thinks about it. ]
I'll talk to Ronan. It'll be fine; it's not a big deal.
[ Just... ignore the disconnect between his words and the uncharacteristically serious furrow in his forehead. ]